Cambridgeshire: Too school for cool

‘Despite possessing some of the highest IQs in the land, many of Cambridgeshire’s citizens are unable to convincingly copy even the most basic of dance moves.’

Cambridgeshire county map

While deservedly acclaimed for nurturing many of the country’s finest logical minds, the harsh realities of the autistic spectrum are such that Cambridgeshire’s undisputed glories are occasionally benighted by crippling social awkwardness. Pale of skin and greasy of hair, the people of Cambridgeshire spend most of their post-pubescence in their bedrooms, until finally being urged by their parents to spread their wings and move up to the attic.

Cambridge University may have been home to the quick minds who uncovered the elemental secrets of DNA in the 1950s, but these are the same minds that couldn’t think of a good first line for asking the hot lab assistant out to dinner, with the hope of exploring some of the discovery’s more practical genetic implications. Face-to-face contact with others remains especially difficult for the existing student body, with most interpersonal communication taking place via instant messaging services and online role-play games.

Other than the twice-weekly traumatic PE classes at school, organised sport has been shunned since the Middle Ages. In support of this, the county council has decreed that all the of area’s hills be flattened to remove any resurfacing of traumatic cross-country running memories.

To balance out some the social discomfort felt while living through their actual selves, the lauded Cambridge Footlights has supported University students by allowing them to take on assumed personalities. The comedy troupe has charitably helped many students to avoid coming to terms with their own character flaws over many decades, and provided a fruitful starting point for some of the country’s most successful and influential homosexuals.

Fun time – Could you pass a Cambridge University exam?

Do you think you have what it takes to join the country’s academic elite? Test yourself against some questions from the University examination archives.

  • ‘Discuss.’ Discuss. (English, 1999)
  • Is it ever morally acceptable to treat someone purely as a sex object? What if the person is significantly less attractive than you? (Ethics, 1988)
  • Tracey Emin considers an unmade bed, a tent and a misplaced sense of entitlement to be sufficient conditions for describing oneself as an artist. What’s bullshit about this? (Philosophy of Art, 2002)
  • If you are a Blues rower, please turn over the paper and complete the ‘Candidate Name’ section using a pen. Congratulations. You now have a BA in Geography. (Geography, 2006)

History

820 to 950 AD – Cambridge and its surrounding settlements are attacked repeatedly by Vikings, who drink so heavily they wake up barely remembering the names of the women they raped the night before.

1067 – Saxon leader Hereward the Wake masterminds the Eastern region’s resistance against Norman invaders. Hereward’s fearlessness in battle and love of travel news is commemorated in later years by the naming of a crap local radio station in his honour.

1209 – The University is set up by ex-Oxford students fleeing from townspeople made resentful after failing to win a single pub quiz in forty-three years.

1561 – The annual Town v. Gown football fixture ends in a draw after thirty-six red cards, several badly bruised mortarboards and a spectacular last-minute volley of the Dean’s head into an empty net.

2002 – In an unconventional move, the entire victorious Cambridge crew is thrown into the Thames by 23-stone cox Horatia Wymp.

Did You Know?

Despite its hatred of sport. Cambridgeshire is the birthplace of bandy – a winter game similar to ice hockey. Bury Fen Bandy Club went undefeated for nearly 100 years, a run which only came to an end after the formation of the country’s second bandy club.

When not in prison, Jeffrey Archer lies in Cambridgeshire.

Capitalising on the technical talent available in the area, many high-tech firms have set up in an area known as Silicon Fen. The high salaries on offer mean that the region is now home to some of the most over-inflated tits in the country.

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