Leicestershire: Foodie paradise

‘Globally famous for the array of delicious pies, cheeses and other delicacies it produces, Leicestershire has won Britain’s Foodie Award for the last 8 years, and proudly displays this accolade on the special shelf next to all its fox hunting trophies.’

With all the edible delights on offer residents should in theory be amongst the country’s fattest, but Leicestershire has successfully fought off the flab with an active lifestyle of walking, riding, and ripping the flesh from verminous rodents.

A rolling, rural county at the heart of England, Leicestershire has traditionally specialised in producing the ingredients needed for the huntsman’s packed lunch; pies, pickles and the like. This is basically the same as a ploughman’s lunch, but with the additional protein a man needs if he is sustain himself through a hard day’s killin’.

After the 2004 fox hunting ban deprived the county of it’s favoured hobby, Leicestershire took revenge on the Government by embarking on a nuisance campaign to win official name protection for every single one of the foodstuffs produced within the county’s borders. After successes with Melton Mowbray pork pies and Red Leicester cheese, Ministers stepped in after receiving applications for Lutterworth Findus Crispy Pancakes.

Facts

  • HUNTERS – 19th Century
  • FOX − 20th Century
  • LOWEST MOMENT – Seeing son arrive at hunt with a vuvuzela
  • FAVOURITE SPORTS – Football; cricket; blood

History

1265 – England’s first meeting of Parliament is held in Leicester Castle after thuggish nobles give the young King Henry III the ultimatum of either setting up a legislature enshrining the voice of the people or eating this spider.

1384 – Religious reformer John Wyclif produces the first translation of the Bible from Latin into English following poor sales of his scratch ’n’ sniff edition.

1426 – Leicester hosts the so-called ‘Parliament of Bats’ where nobles agree to rally popular support to the King’s ‘ecolocation, ecolocation, ecolocation’ pledge.

1536Lady Jane Grey, Britain’s briefest reigning monarch, is born at Bradgate Park. After being removed from the throne after just nine days, she admits to friends a failure to pay enough attention at Queen School.

1881John Taylor Bellfounders casts the largest bell in Britain for St Paul’s Cathedral in London. The resident Bishop of London, Kenneth Williams, fails to resist saying ‘Ding…Dong’ on receipt.

1910 – In one of the greatest ever FA Cup third-round shocks, Fox United earn an unexpected replay against Hunt Athletic after a last minute counter-attack unseats four riders.

Did You Know?

In 1999, Hinckley resident Tony Alleyne transformed his flat into a precise replica of a Star Trek ship, complete with wooden Shatner. Now for sale, the flat can be purchased for 150,000 Barkonian energy credits and a new warp drive, or in a part exchange with an actual woman.

The phrase ‘painting the town red’ is said to have originated in Melton Mowbray. Out celebrating a successful hunt, the Marquess of Waterford and his hunting party used several tins of red paint to daub onto several of the town’s buildings, an incident thought to be one of the earliest instances of tagging.

Loughborough was the destination for the first ever package tour, organised by Thomas Cook in 1841. Attempts to resurrect a modern version, complete with a visit to the town’s ‘Sock Man’ sculpture, are thought partially responsible for Thomas Cook’s recent battle with bankruptcy.

Hinckley was once known as “Tin ‘At”. It is said that a sheep drover once bragged that he could drink a hat full of ale. A landlord put him to the test by asking the local blacksmith to make a tin hat, which was then filled with ale. Tin hats enjoyed a period of popularity in the town for some time afterwards, until a heavy thunderstorm killed twelve people.

Fun time!

Are you ready to join the hunt? Before you go, you’ll need some equipment:

A suitable hunt horse: The most important qualities in a hunt horse are safety and reliability. The horse should go quietly in a group, stop without a fight, stand patiently at checks, and jump without refusals. It also should not fart too loudly when the hosting landowner is present.

Riding accessories: Hunting is not about looking fancy. You could be in the saddle all day, so make sure it is practical and comfortable. It should be brown leather, in the English style, and able to soak up large quantities of urine.

Proper attire: All members of the field should wear a hunt-style helmet, a white or cream stock tie, leather gloves, a scarlet coat and a tremendous sense of self-importance.

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