North London: Putting the world to centre lefts

‘Not self-aware enough to realise it isn’t quite as self-aware as it thinks it is, London’s north is where the people who think they know how to solve all the world’s problems get on with the important task of saying someone else should do it.’

After putting the world to rights with a series of impassioned and knowledgeable points on the need to provide an adequate safety-net for the neediest made over a rather delicious pesto and pine nut tartlet, north London’s residents leave their dinner parties happy in the knowledge that although not all is right with the world, at least they are.

A progressive area of the city, north London has successfully supported many of the capital’s lower-income families to supplement their income with the provision of high-quality Apple products available from a range of poorly secured flats. And as the hang-out of people with strong but poorly prioritised principles, north London boasts some of the country’s few public officials certified as organic.

Accused of being sanctimonious by its detractors, north London rises above such criticism, arguing that it is simply doing its best to help where it can, and suggesting that all its critics really need is a state-backed education program that can explain in simple terms exactly why everyone else’s opinions are stupid.


  • CLASSES – Chattering, Yoga, Reiki
  • HORNBYS – Nick; Vintage train set
  • MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT – Forgot words to ‘Red Flag’
  • CRIME – Is invited to attend a rehabilitation session on Wednesdays and Friday at 3.30 in the Iain Smith Community Centre
  • TRANSPORT – Home to more than half of the Tube network’s temporarily shut lines
  • PET HATES – Poverty, suffering, Sainsbury’s out of buttermilk again


1588 − Queen Elizabeth I grants a charter to the Lord Manor of Barnet to hold its first Horse Fair. The fair later becomes immortalised in London’s famous rhyming slang, with ‘barnet’ still used as a term meaning hair. Though only when applied to footballers.

1716 – Islington becomes a popular resort for Londoners thanks to Upper Street’s 56 ale-house keepers, offering tea gardens, archery, balloon ascents and hopi candle treatments.

1902 – The first mass produced dishwasher is built in Hotpoint’s Enfield plant, finally freeing housewives from the drudgery of breaking their own crockery.

1967 – Barclay’s Bank in Enfield becomes the first place in the world to install an ATM cash machine. The machine has little success as customers are still required to book appointments in advance.

1992 – After over a decade of legal action from local residents, McDonald’s is finally allowed to open in Hampstead after agreeing to a unprecedented re-design of the shop front which disguises the restaurant as a second-hand bookshop.

1996 – In efforts to build on previous successes hosted at the venue, Alexandra Palace’s management takes the disastrous decision to host the UK’s first combined darts-boxing event.

2009 – Embroiled in the Baby P scandal, morale at Haringey Council is further rocked after the Audit Commission nominates it as one of the four poorest performing councils in the country, only for it to just miss out on first place.

2011 – Riots that begin in Tottenham soon spread across London, with hundreds of disgruntled youths uniting under the banner of ‘not paying for nothing and shit’.

Did You Know?

Islington Council was lambasted in the press after allegedly banning the nursery rhyme ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ from schools for fear that it could be construed as racist. Councillors argued that this had been done to in the interests of protecting the area’s minority groups, with the ban also applying to ‘Taffy Was a Welshman’ and ‘I Love Little Pussy’.

After over £200,000 of investment in sign painting, Barnet Council declared its plan to rename the area “Barnét” a success.

Historically the seat of the Arts and Crafts Movement and once the home of its pioneer William Morris, Waltham Forest is also home to many contemporary followers, including Blazin’ Squad and Lethal Bizzle.

Enfield has a long history of arms manufacture, producing the Lee-Enfield .303 rifle that was standard issue for the British Army until 1957. The rifle can still be seen in military museums, memorabilia catalogues and in the hands of the Territorial Army in Helmand province.

Hampstead Liberalism was satirised by the Daily Telegraph through the character of Lady Dutt-Pauker, an immensely wealthy aristocratic socialist whose Hampstead mansion, Marxmount House, contained precious Ming vases, neo-constructivist art, and the complete writings of Stalin. Lady Dutt-Pauker has since passed on, though she is fondly remembered in the political career of sitting MP Margaret Hodge.


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