‘Thanks to their fictitious nature, Lincolnshire’s people never need to go to the toilet, watch television, have sex or wear any items of clothing not made from primary colours. In this and some other respects, it is very similar to Norway.’
Despite appearing on maps as one of England’s largest counties and keeping its secret from the rest of the county for hundreds of years, the truth is that Lincolnshire is actually a work of children’s fiction.
In efforts to ensure that this deception never becomes public knowledge, Lincolnshire Council has signed an agreement with rail operators stipulating that if they must pass through the region they may only do so when a buffet trolley is distracting passengers.
As the county’s industrial output is entirely reliant upon whatever Bertha has got round to producing this week, Lincolnshire relies heavily on the public sector for employment. Postman Pat and Fireman Sam are often found together in the pub after completing their shifts, drinking with less well-known characters such as Social Worker Why Bird.
Mornings in Lincolnshire begin with the discovery of a trifling problem, such as an unusual parcel that won’t fit through a letterbox. The day will pass slowly as more stupid residents come up with unworkable solutions to the issue, whilst larger local characters contrive to fall down holes or get stuck in fences. Then Pat, who has politely listened to all the suggestions, will realise he could simply leave one of those ‘sorry, you were out’ cards and toss the parcel in the bin, and the day ends with tea and cake all round.
- AGE – 3 to 9 years
- POLITICS – Elected Charlie Chalk as Independent MP in 2011
- LEGAL SYSTEM – Misdemeanours punishable by early bedtime
- ETHNICITY – Token gestures
- ECONOMY – Pocket money, tooth fairy
- EXPORTS – Heavy handed moral messages
- SEX RATIO – Smurf (99%) Smurfette (1%)
- TRANSPORT – Reliant on the Playbus going to the right stop
1185 − The rebuilt Lincoln Minster briefly succeeds the Great Pyramids of Egypt as the world’s tallest man-made structure without foundations until it is destroyed by a child loudly stamping their foot.
1633 – Fed up with the established Church and religious persecution, radical non-conformist Boston preacher John Cotton emigrates to the USA, where everyone is free to be as Christian as they want.
1839 – Thanks to a constitutional crisis before Queen Victoria’s official coronation, Lincolnshire is briefly ruled by King Rollo.
1904 – Matthew Robinson, the man responsible for Lincoln’s water supply, attempts to reassure people that the typhoid epidemic sweeping the town has got nothing to with polluted water, by drinking a large glass of it in front of a public meeting. A public relations coup, his impassioned speech wins over most of the sceptics until his harrowing death 36 hours later.
1916 – Lincolnshire is responsible for inventing and producing the first ever tanks sent to the front during the First World War. Early designs have some teething problems, and it is quickly decided that starting the engine with a hand-crank at the front of the vehicle is not practical.
1925 – After her mother goes into early labour in a car blocking the entrance to the Grantham A&E ward, Margaret Thatcher celebrates her first hospital closure.
2001 – Lincolnshire is axed from its 3:30pm slot in order to make more room for Boo-bah.
2007 – Widespread disillusionment with Boston Council contributes to an overwhelming local election victory for a small bypass pressure group campaigning to reduce the chances of suffering the embarrassment of visitors arriving in Boston.
Did You Know?
Lincolnshire’s roads are much more peaceful since the imposition of a three-year suspended sentence for reckless driving on Brum.
People from Lincolnshire are sometimes called ‘yellowbellies’. A number of theories exist for the derivation of the nickname, including the yellow waistcoats of the Royal North Lincolnshire Militia, the undersides of a locally-common newt, while literalists put it down to the region’s exceptionally high incidence of jaundice.
Originally a largely German tradition, Lincoln’s Christmas Market was the first of its kind in the UK, offering shoppers the chance to try things otherwise rarely possible during the festive season, like eating sweet things, getting drunk and buying crap that no-one could possibly need or want.
In January 2001 the owner of a Lincolnshire sex shop was fined £5,800 for four offences under the Trade Descriptions Act, after angry customers had complained that his Barely Legal films merely showed footage of haulage drivers going at exactly the required speed limit.
The first Butlins holiday resort was opened in Skegness in 1936. Known as Skeggy, Costa del Skeg and Skegvegas, the town still draws many a visitor planning to spend their beach holiday sitting in the car under a nice warm blanket.
- Thousands of dead starfish wash up on Lincolnshire beach following stormy weather (aworldchaos.wordpress.com)