Northamptonshire: Putting the boot in

‘A landlocked county in the south east Midlands, Northamptonshire has been ground down under the  jackboots of the dominant cobbling industry, which took control of the county in a bloody shoe d’etat.’

Following the award of New Town status to Northampton in the late 1960s, senior boot and shoe executives took extreme action to ensure the comfortable industry cartel that had been built over many decades of honest cobbling was able to maintain a firm, suede-uppered grip over the region, even in the face of stiff sanctions being imposed on socks by the rest of the country.

Since then, the self-appointed leaders have reduced scuffing by nearly 70%, outlawed the slip-on, and changed the rules of fishing competitions so landing a large old boot automatically wins the competitor first prize and a free pair of plimsolls. Moves to replace the grass pitch at Northampton rugby club with an artificial polished leather surface were ultimately unsuccessful after the team was forced to concede two games after a spate of chafing injuries. Factionalism and dissent has inevitably bubbled over on occasion, with a rebel claque of key cutters brutally buffed into submission at the Battle of Timpsons.

However, as the county moves inexorably towards a service-based economy, it remains to be seen how long the junta can survive. In an attempt to re-establish some economic ties, diplomatic and trade relations with Essex are being explored with an eye on shoring up stiletto exports.

Facts

  • COLOURS – Available in black, navy and animal print
  • LAND USE – Leather (40%), Suede (32%), Fabric (28%)
  • SIZE – Adult, 3 − 12
  • ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION – All suede regions waterproofed in case of rain
  • HIGHEST POINT – Heels up to 7 inches in some places
  • LANGUAGE – Sales patter
  • MOTTO – ‘I’ll just see if we’ve got those out the back’
  • FETISHES – Foot

History

50 AD – Roman soldiers build Watling Street through the heart of Northamptonshire so they can pass through it as quickly as possible.

1535 – George Washington’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Lawrence Washington, becomes Mayor of Northampton, immediately ordering a clear-cutting policy on the county’s cherry trees.

1645 – Puritan-inspired Parliamentary forces inflict a crushing defeat on the Royalists at the Battle of Naseby, killing hundreds of King’s officers just using very stern expressions.

18th Century – In his Tour through the Whole Island of Great Britain, the first comedy travelogue, Daniel Defoe describes Northampton as, “the handsomest town in all this part of England, if thou art without possession of mental faculties.”

1899 – Northampton police sergeant Hector Macleod apprehends two criminals after Britain’s first car chase destroys a busy market square and a large pile of cardboard boxes, before ending in an unnecessary explosion.

1942 – Corby cleverly uses its exceptionally polluted air caused by the burning of oil and latex to hide from targeting by German bombers.

1944 – American servicemen based at RAF Grafton Underwood to protect the local community accidentally kill thirteen in a friendly fire incident during an unarmed training exercise.

2005 – After being featured on a Channel 4 programme as being the ugliest transport station in the UK and worthy of demolition, Greyfriars Bus Station falls down out of shame.

Did You Know?

The World Conker Championships are held annually in the village of Ashton. In recent years, competitors have not been able to bring their own conkers since the controversial 1989 tournament, now known as the Year of the Ball Bearing.

Silverstone is the most famous motor racing circuit in the country, most notably used for the British leg of the Grand Prix calendar and Clarkson-wannabes finding out their ‘Experience Day’ consists of one part driving to thirty parts of safety briefing.

The town of Corby has been known locally as “Little Scotland” due to the large number of Scottish migrant workers who came to the town for its steelworks. There are Scottish social and sporting clubs, and many shops sell traditional Scottish delicacies, such as Tennetts Super.

Wicksteed Park, Britain’s second oldest theme park, is found in the southern outskirts of Kettering, and remains popular to this day. Built in 1926, the park’s ‘Water Chute’ is both the oldest working and most vomited on fairground ride in the UK.

Northamptonshire recently launched a controversial campaign called North Londonshire in a failed attempt to attract cab drivers to the area.

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