‘Birthplace of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Shropshire itself is a textbook example of what the great man himself described as “evolutionary throwback,” clinging on to life long after its genetic material has been stripped of its value.’
Other than the fine medieval town of Shrewsbury, the county today is an ailing hotchpotch of worn-out agricultural land out-competed by sleeker, more highly evolved regions, and haggard New Towns which are unlikely to make the county more attractive to potential sexual partners. Fortunately, the people of Shropshire have been successful in developing a number of important survival characteristics in response to the natural environment, including a boundless enthusiasm for poor-quality consumer goods and a untroubled acceptance of disappointment.
Left largely untouched by both World War II raids of the 1940s and the Brutalist town planning raids of the 1960s and 1970s, much of the county has retained a number of obsolete genetic features that others have moved on from, like Telford. With the urge to survive enduring regardless, some Salopian towns have turned in on themselves, with the resultant high levels of teenage pregnancy unfortunately ensuring an increasingly high concentration of urine passes into the gene pool.
It remains unclear what the future will hold for the county, though with much of its talent evolving train tickets and the ability to fly away from the area in search of more impressive mates, some biologists believe Shropshire could go the way of the dodo at some point in the next century.
- INHERITED TRAITS – Brown eyes, medium height, desire to leave
- MOVEMENT – Good on land, poor on water
- IS NOT – The home of Charles Dickens, retard
- FAVOURITE FOOD – Dodo pie
- POPULATION – Predators (17%) Prey (83%)
- AREA COMPARATIVE – Roughly one Shropshire
2nd June, 4004 BC – God creates dinosaurs, with all species living for approximately 43 minutes before dying millions of years earlier.
c. 1000 AD – After a sharp increase in the price of ink, Shropshire’s nobles agree to drop the county’s Old English name of “Scrobbesbyrigscīr”.
1541 – Henry VIII proposes to make Shrewsbury a cathedral city after the formation of the Church of England. The town’s citizens decline the offer, fearing the out-of-town megachurch will price out smaller, independent churches.
17th Century – The Great Fire of Drayton destroys 70% of the town, which at the time comprises of two houses and a chicken.
1856 – Charles Darwin has his evolution brainwave after being repeatedly struck on the head by apples falling in his garden, and noticing how the apples get harder and more painful over time.
1930 – Drayton-born fascist Oswald Mosley returns at the height of his infamy to give an incideniary speech in the town square. Mosley was deeply ashamed of his relatively humble upbringing and he did everything to hide the years he spent in Drayton, being forced by poverty to work double-shifts in the bagel shop.
1963 – The official designation of Telford as a New Town faces criticism after officials realise they have forgotten to build any amenities, houses or shops to go with the new roads.
2005 – Unverified Nazi papers about the military plans for an invasion of Britain include mentions of the quiet Shropshire town of Bridgnorth. Experts now believe it was Hitler’s intention to make Bridgnorth the Nazi’s craft headquarters.
Did You Know?
Counting Peter Cook, Michael Palin and Ian Hislop amongst its alumni, Shrewsbury School has nurtured some of the country’s finest comedy writers. And Nick Hancock.
Wilfred Owen, the great First World War poet, lived in Shrewsbury before being sent to the front. He is most famous for his poem Dulce Et Decorum Est, a moving tribute to the Latin scholars who laid down their lives for their country.
Ludlow was described by Country Life magazine as “the most vibrant small town in England,” though independent observers have questioned basing an assessment of the town’s vibrancy on the number of copies of Country Life sold.
Styche Hall was the birthplace of Robert Clive, better known as ‘Clive of India’. Credited with securing India’s great wealth for the British crown, Clive’s career faltered after he was forced to spend most of the celebratory dinner hosted in his honour punishing the King’s toilet.
Shropshire is home to Ironbridge Gorge, a UNESCO World Heritage Site recognised as “The Birthplace of Industry / Misery”.