‘At the heart of Britain’s lucrative dirt industry, Suffolk’s flat, featureless horizons make no effort to disguise the swampy bounty of the area, as well as providing an accurate illustration of a brain scan taken from the average Ipswich resident.’
Home to some of the country’s most productive bogs and marshes, Suffolk has been producing high-quality mud for export and home-use for centuries. With globalisation bringing the challenge of competition from cheaper overseas producers like China and India, the region has profitably diversified into delivering premium sustainable quag for the well-to-do consumer.
Many of the county’s residents remain faithful to old-fashioned ways of living. You would have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one up on Suffolk, because he’ll be starting his day at half five, leaving himself enough time to remember how to put on his trousers before hitting the fields at ten. Neighbourhood provision of goods and services is also common, with organic meat and vegetables offered at farmer’s markets, organic beers brewed at Southwold, and organic atomic energy delivered courtesy of Sizewell nuclear power station.
Short on large towns and higher education institutions, Suffolk has a very low population between the ages of 15 and 29 outside of Ipswich, with many deciding to seek a more exciting life in the bright lights of Ely, Peterborough and Bedford. As a result, the county is home to a disproportionately high number of retirees, who enthusiastically support Suffolk’s thriving Scrabble scene.
- DEFENCE – Large ditch around county’s borders
- EXPORTS – Mud
- IMPORTS – Water, dirt, trace amounts of gravel
- ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS – Over-farming of mud may eventually mean county plunges into the Earth’s core
- FOOTWEAR – The platform boot (a normal boot with eight inches of attached muck)
- NATURAL HAZARDS – Drowning
- FED UP OF – Having to take its shoes off whenever it visits another county
1300 BC – Early attempts at wattle and daub skyscrapers are abandoned after the project is scuppered by persistent drizzle.
1213 – St Edmund, a heroic former King of East Anglia, is replaced as the patron saint of England by St George and offered a new position as England’s Director of Finance and Marketing.
1611 − 1634 – Ipswich becomes a centre for emigration to New England, with settlers attracted by the prospect of intoxicating prospect of virgin, unploughed mud.
1841 – Sudbury becomes the first place in the UK to elect a member of a ethnic minority to Parliament, with David Dye Sombre, the son of an Indian queen, finally overcoming the hurdle for sons of royalty trying to enter the House of Commons.
1941 – Felixstowe becomes one of the few British towns bombed by the Italians during the Blitz, who pummel the town with a volley of firmly balled-up white flags.
2004 – Haverhill makes a claim for creating a world first, becoming the only town to feature a laser-lit sculpture on a roundabout. The 11-metre high steel Spirit of Enterprise sculpture, achieves a second world first by becoming the largest art installation representing a toilet roll.
Did You Know?
The traditional nickname for people from Suffolk is ‘Suffolk Fair-Maids’, or ‘Silly Suffolk’, referring respectively to the reputed beauty of its female inhabitants during the Middle Ages, and the reluctance of those same female inhabitants to leave Suffolk.
Commonly referred to as “Britain’s Roswell”, the Rendlesham Forest Incident remains one of England’s most famous UFO events. Reported sightings of unexplained lights and the alleged landing of a craft of unknown origin have been cited by conspiracy theorists as compelling evidence of extraterrestrial contact, and the only plausible explanation for the existence of Suffolk antiques dealer Lovejoy.
To the east of the county is Sutton Hoo, the site of one of England’s most significant Anglo-Saxon archæological finds; a ship burial containing a collection of treasures including a Sword of State, gold and silver bowls and a travel pillaging kit.
The UK’s horse racing, glue producing and microwave meal industries are based in Newmarket.
Ipswich has been mentioned as being the end of the world in no less than four TV programmes.
Birds Eye have their largest UK factory in Lowestoft, a centre of production for frozen meat products, frozen vegetables, and the frozen dreams of the art history students now working there.
In the arts, Suffolk is noted for having been the home to two of England’s best regarded painters, Thomas Gainsborough and John Constable. Both artists of great repute, both were helped in developing their incredible ability to capture a skyscape by the county’s almost total lack of subjects on land.