‘Surrey is much, much richer than you, and is wearing the £150 designer snood to prove it.’
An insular county that has a regrettable reputation for its breathtaking lack of guile, Surrey was never told ‘no’ as a child. Beamingly unquestioning and stuffed with millionaires, the thrill of money trumps all at the expense of education, culture and sport. Most of the region’s residents work in the capital, toiling away to earn a crust to spend on toilet rolls made from crisp five pound notes before returning to houses built from sixteenth century timber and nuggets of solid gold. Meanwhile, somewhere in Surrey, another library becomes a mobile phone shop.
Not imaginative enough to create new trends, but moneyed enough to follow them to ludicrous conclusions, the people of Surrey tend not to brag about their wealth vocally, instead preferring to buy and display items of sufficient vulgarity that you can sense – on a physical level that may startle you – the unnecessary expenditure from up to thirty miles away.
A typical day in Surrey starts early, as butlers around the county gently massage their employers into wakefulness with essential oils. While the butlers get on with moving all the furniture across to the ‘evening house’, Surrey’s residents pop on tailored suits and jump in to the Porsche to make their way into London for a 15-hour day of work that improves the planet’s quality of life by precisely zero. After arriving home for a dinner of stuffed ortolan, they make a mental note to send a heartfelt cheque in response to their child’s downcast letter from boarding school. As nighttime falls, it’s time for bed, and clinical sex on a crispy bed of banknotes, as rose petals cascade down from the ceiling.
- CLIMATE – In discussions with Tobago about buying sunshine
- POLITICS – Votes retail at around five hundred pounds each
- SOCIAL ISSUES – 15% of the population living on less than £10,000 a day
- CONCERNS – Financial crisis means residents may soon run out of banks to store their money in
- RELIGION – The one without all that ‘tithe-ing’ nonsense
- TERRAIN – Mountains of cash, fields of gold
- NATURAL RESOURCES – Jewellery, cash, Daddy
9th Century – Surrey’s inland position shields it from coastal raiding, with Vikings invaders so tired by the time they reach the county they don’t even snuggle before getting down to the raping.
978 – Guildford is designated as the location of the Royal Mint, after officials reason it doesn’t make sense to have people carrying money all that way from London if it’s going to end up here anyway.
1497 – Cornish rebels heading for London briefly occupy Guildford, moving on only after their demand for a lovely cup of tea and a sit down is met.
1849 – Brookwood Cemetery is established near Woking to serve the population of London. The site is connected to the capital by its own dedicated railway service, the first in the UK to offer ‘quiet carriages’.
1968 – The University Hall on the campus of the University of Surrey holds the first ever Led Zeppelin concert, where Jimmy Page becomes the first of the 16 million guitarists to murder the intro to Stairway To Heaven.
1981 – In their first thorough spring clean for years, the Parker family of Guildford find £451,523 and a small jewellery market down the back of their sofa.
Did You Know?
Camberley households were recently named as having the highest carbon footprint in the UK, estimated at over 28 tonnes per household per year. Residents put the unusually high figure down to the pet cow craze sweeping the local primary school.
Woking is where the Martians first land in H.G. Wells’ science fiction classic The War of the Worlds. A radio adaptation of the novel caused mass hysteria in the US after listeners were horrified by the prospect of aliens not landing on American soil first.
Surrey has been the home of several notable writers, including Aldous Huxley, Arthur Conan Doyle and Lewis Carroll. Author and mathematician Carroll wrote the great children’s book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. After his death some biographers speculated that he may have been a paedophile, pointing to his lack of interest in the adult world and the controversial subtext of his The Fifth Book of Euclid Treated Algebraically.
Lying in the metropolitan green belt, Surrey is the most wooded county in England, convenient for pleasant Sunday walks, concealing gated communities, and dumping dead paparazzi.