One of the best things about the internet (apart from all the deviant pornography, obviously) is the capacity it has to educate and inform. It’s especially good at imparting valuable knowledge from groups who you might not bump into everyday. Such as on how to unblock a toilet.
Mumsnet is a great example of this. There are some questions in life to which only a mum will know the answer, and yours might not be available. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I learned that the real public service this site provides is a veritable trove of infantile comedy.
Mumsnet makes great play of its openness and candour. A problem shared is a problem halved, after all. But there are some problems that should really not be shared.
From just the OP (using the appropriate Mumsnet acronyms, of which there are an obscene amount – DD is ‘darling daughter’ by the way) there is much to ponder already. Is such a cataclysmic event even possible, let alone repeatable as is implied here? Are the ‘fat particles’ visible? And is this child being fed exclusively on a diet of Iceland’s much-maligned ‘meat grills’?
There is a lovely, bittersweet note of desperation in that final sentence too; a tired resignation that once again, a new cutlery set will be on this year’s Christmas list.
But fear not. Mumsnet springs in to action.
I can think of no way in which the above four lines is not a sublime piece of comedy writing. I can only tip my hat, giraffesCantFitInThePalace. I, for one, will never look at breadsticks as merely a pre-dinner comestible ever again. My favourite bit is the disclaimer, which prudently protects the contributor from any litigation that may arise from misadventures involving the prodding of outsized chod with sticks of baked wheat. It’s a well-known fact that breadsticks are highly corrosive to porcelain fixtures before they have been fully digested.
By the grace of God, Mumsnet delivered once more. And how.
Initially, I was disappointed that the breadstick theory had not been tested. But the use of a toothbrush – which does boast more structural integrity than a crispy breadstick could ever match – is also inspired. Bonus marks too for the unprompted use of Cillit Bang. Someone needs to have words with Barry Scott though – ‘Bang! And the dirt is gone’ clearly failed to deliver on this occasion.
And the best thing about mums is their ability to apply new found knowledge in creative ways to brighten their children’s day.
The full exchange is here. It’s worth it.