Andrew’s top 5 life hacks

One of the Internet’s favourite things is ‘life hacks’. A life hack is basically the 21st Century equivalent of the top tip sections in Bella, with a dash of hipster to taste. Pinterest is heaving with kooky solutions to domestic problems you didn’t know you had. Stuff like this. Or this.

The problem with life hacks is that you’ll never do them (except possibly this one). The reason your flat is a filth pit is not because you lack life hacks, it’s because you lack the motivation to store all your sunglasses on a coat hanger – however beautifully logical such a scheme might be.

I’m going to let you in on five truly brilliant life hacks that require no effort at all, which I guarantee will immeasurably improve your life.

1. Do plenty of sighing.

Sighing idiot

It turns out I look quite fat when I’m sighing.

Nothing like a good sigh is there? Instant relaxation that beats any spa treatment.  It’s like a sneeze without the mucus.

2. Write things down.

Turdy list

It’s not my cat. I try to find a different one every Friday.

Remembering stuff is difficult. Why not write things down in a list? Then you can know for certain exactly how long you’ve been ignoring them for.

3. Rubbing stains is just as effective as cleaning them.


Got filth on my chainmail again.

You’ve spilt something on your shirt, you dozy bastard. But never mind. Don’t faff around with water and soap – just give it a firm rub with your thumb and in at least 50% of cases it’ll be unnoticeable. And in the other 50%, your smearing will have ruined the shirt completely and you’ll have to throw it away – problem solved.

4. Leave things you don’t want to read by the toilet. 


If things get desperate, I will occasionally read the plant.

Bills, pension statements and other life-admin effluvia. Anywhere else, they wouldn’t get a second glance. Pop them in the bog, and you’ll be quoting the terms and conditions of your home insurance policy off by heart in no time. As an added bonus, they also tend to have absorptive qualities.

5. When all else fails, pretend to be a crab.


3 thoughts on “Andrew’s top 5 life hacks

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