Batten down the hatches: let’s play storm bingo!

The biggest storm to hit Britain in a million years – or more precisely, the bit of Britain where most of the news networks, money and shrill people live – is just hours away. Stories abound of the likely disruption to rail services, major roads and committed hat wearers likely to come in the next day or two. It could even top the destructive horror of Hurricane Bawbag.

A great thing about Brits and weather is that over the decades we have developed a comforting rhythm to any vaguely unusual event. Every newspaper will run the same stories, the same pictures, the same headlines. You can look forward to crossing off these things very soon:

1.  Some big waves crashing against a sea wall

Waves crashing against wall

I actually wrote this before looking at the BBC news website at 1pm today.

2. A single woman fighting with her umbrella

Woman fighting umbrella

Umbrella fail? Check. Uggs? Check. A pound says there’s some sunglasses in her rucksack.

3. A car stuck in a ford

Car stuck in a ford

‘I said right. Turn right. Did I not say turn right?’ ‘Shut up Terry.’

4. A pub full of regulars getting ‘stranded’ by the storm

Man outside pub

‘Yeah love, it’s terrible here. Lashing it down. I’m not sure I’ll be back tonight to be honest, the car’s packed in. Could you give my other pair of orange trousers an iron for me? What’s that? Oh yeah, don’t worry, I’ll be fine.’

5. Interviews with a vicar in a village where a 400-year old tree has blown down

Interview vicar

‘I’ve always hated that fucking tree.’

6. Michael Fish

Michael Fish

In many ways, it was a blessing that Michael Fish missed out on the high-definition era of television.

7. Idiots playing in the storm

Idiots in a storm

They don’t know it now, but quite a lot of that is urine.

8. 50% of news programmes being taken up with ‘pictures from our viewers’

BBC Breakfast

Why don’t you do some real work Turnbull, lazy scrote.

9. A car squashed by a tree

Squashed car

The worst part was that he’d only just got the car back through the time machine.

10. A public inquiry into why we weren’t properly prepared.

David Cameron silly

 

If you’ve got nothing better to do, you can also follow Land of Dope and Tories on Twitter.

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