The pick of the sales!

Yes! Jesus and Santa can butt out – it’s not Christmas any more, so you don’t  have to pretend to be interested in anything but naked consumerism. has done the hard work of shopping for you, finding the very best of this year’s online Boxing Day bargains!

Sliver collar stiffeners

You know those bits of plastic you get in a new shirt? The ones that you throw away? The free ones? Turns out they’re a gift that’s worth more than all of my shirts. Noah, you’ve been had sunshine.

Inflatable piranha

Now, an inflatable piranha is a perfectly excellent present for a small boys. Imagine the gales of laughter at the leisure centre. This is in because of the excellent 1-star review accompanying it.

Piranha review

Ah now, you see, what you’ve bought there, right, is a box. Incidentally, what shop was he taking it to? A fish inflating shop?

Jamie Oliver cookware set

Eighteen pounds off a cookware set endorsed by Jamie Oliver, wearing the pained look of a man who has just snagged his scrotum on a towel rail and is trying to avoid displaying that fact to his wife.

Sexy purple witch

All those sexy green witch fetishists can jog on.

Silver business card holder

For the American Psycho in your life.

Classy telly

Now THIS is a fucking classy telly. It’s described as ‘chic’ in the Argos sales blurb. Chic being a French word for ‘soiled’. Only plays ITV.

Hard skin remover

For those seeking a gift to bring a swift end to their relationship.

I was going to do more, but I got sucked into a vortex of Amazon and ASOS which could only be escaped by ordering some new black shoes and a pair of monogrammed silver earplugs.

Merry Christmas!

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