Norwich | Toilet Reading

‘For years, Norfolk has suffered from offensive and unfair slurs about how commonplace incest supposedly is in the area.’

It is time to set the record straight. It is quite wrong to say that this large and lonely area with historically few opportunities for intermingling between communities, has long placed a premium on families making their own entertainment, with parents explaining to children from a young age about playing fair, the importance of manners and how a gentleman makes sure his sister achieves orgasm first. And equally false to suggest that although lambasted as a practice that creates genetic weakness, incest has been a positive evolutionary force for many coastal residents, with webbed feet proving invaluable in helping to flee from the annual coastal floods.

Many have observed that Norfolk is a very flat place, to the point where a well-thrown frisbee on a windy day can travel upwards of thirty miles. Once one of the most powerful regions in the country, Norfolk began to fall behind the rest of the pack with beginning of the Industrial Revolution, with budding capitalists lacking the ability to trick naive farmworkers by hiding their dark satanic mills behind dark satanic hills. The featureless flatness is still reflected in much of the local cultural scene outside of Norwich itself, with topical news programme Look East representative of some of the deeper ditches.

On the plus side, such bleakly beautiful surroundings have contributed to the success of the University of East Anglia’s acclaimed Creative Writing course, helping many budding scribes to channel the isolationalism, bitter loneliness and heavy drinking habits required of the successful author.

Facts

POPULATION – 800,000 odd people
MARITIME CLAIMS – Invented the lie about how big that fish was
BUSINESS PHILOSOPHY – Combination of ‘Keeping it in the family’ and ‘Sleeping your way to the top’
TRADITIONAL GREETING – The high six
ANTHEM – No-one has ever written a song about Norfolk
LAND USE – Rural (45%) Especially rural (55%)

History

1274 – Following a violent riot against the Papists, Norwich becomes the only English city to be excommunicated by the Pope. The pontiff’s diplomatic masterstroke immediately solves the resident Catholic’s problems.

1347 – East Anglia’s population reaches historic peak.

1348 – Black Death reaches East Anglia. Population falls to historic low.

1665 – Over a third of Norwich’s population is wiped out by plague for the third time in as many centuries, in what local historians record as the ‘Another fucking plague’.

1708 – A seven year old boy and his 11 year old sister are convicted of stealing a loaf of bread in King’s Lynn and sentenced to death by hanging, which was carried out publicly near the South Gates of the town to make an example of them. Although this punishment seems barbaric today, defenders of the act point out that the children’s post-hanging behaviour was virtually impeccable.

1915 – Ernest Martin Jehan becomes the first and only man to sink a steel submarine with a sail rigged ship by throwing house bricks into the water off the coast of Great Yarmouth,

2008 – A Council-commissioned report describes King’s Lynn as a town with a workforce that has a “low skills base,” going on to reveal that this skills base comprises mainly of shouting.

Did You Know?

In 2009 Norwich was honoured to receive the ExxonMobil award, given to the UK city most patently shafted by rising sea levels.

The slang term “Normal for Norfolk”, alluding to the county’s perceived status as an illiterate backwater, was in widespread use across the medical profession for many years. Particularly towards patients suffering from an inability to make the connection between poor diet and blighting growths on the hands and face.

Motum Road in Norwich, a noted accident blackspot for many years, became only the third road in Britain to be equipped with speed bumps. The bumps, with a highest point of 4 inches (10 cm), are a major attraction for local mountaineers.

Recent attempts to shed the backwater image of Norwich and market it as a popular tourist destination have included a proposed new slogan, ‘England’s Other City’. Neatly picking up on the city’s role as a place to go once you have been everywhere else.

Of all the cities in Britain, Norwich is top of the league for the percentage of population who use the Internet auction site eBay. That cow who bagged the £12 Versace bag with 4 seconds left on the listing? She’s from here.